Giving Up

That is how I feel right now. I feel as if I'm living somebody else's life right now. Nobody really understands where I'm coming from. My little sister even says that I'm just trying to bring up "drama".

This all stems from being such an "obedient child". I'm the eldest among three siblings, I've already gotten myself two degrees, and I continue to play mom and dad to both my siblings who live with me. It's just unfair how my parents can't seem to understand that I get tired too. Let me tell part of the story of my life. Particularly the part when I just moved to Cebu.

I was 17 years old, and was starting on my third year in college. I was taking up Bachelor of Science in Computer Engineering at the time. I didn't have specific dreams. At the moment all I wanted to do was whatever peaked my interest. When I was younger, I wanted to be a doctor so badly. Then I wanted to be a musician or a singer. I used to play the piano when I was younger, and would still love to play it again if I were given a chance to do so. So why did I pick Computer Engineering instead of being a Doctor? I graduated from high school at 15 years old. I made a deal with my dad that if he let me leave my hometown to go to college, I would fulfill my dream of becoming a doctor. At 15, of course my father said no. And he wanted me to be something else too. He wanted me to be something that his friends thought would bring in the money when I started to work. My father always depended on everybody else's opinions except my own, because I was still too young to know what was right or wrong.

In 2004, my ex-boyfriend borrowed somebody's keyboard so that he can practice playing the instrument and perform at the mass that will be happening right before their Ringhop ceremony. That somebody eventually became a close friend, but nothing more. I was delighted to finally see a keyboard around myself again. I wanted to play it so bad. I told my ex about how I used to play the piano when I was still three years old. He asked me to show some proof. I had pictures of myself playing the piano, but he thought pictures are not proof enough. In the Philippines, you'd be lucky enough to even have a camera. And we didn't have a video camera. We were poor and my mom and dad had to save a lot just to get me that toy piano that I used to play all the time. And that piano is an actual piano with actual keys, not like the kind that when you press something on it, it starts to play something. So basically, my ex crushed my childhood dreams by saying, "You're lying, if you played the piano before, you'd never forget how to play it.". I was four turning five when I stopped playing. And I was 20 when he said that. My talent was never nurtured, how'd he expect me to play the keyboard without any practice for 15-16 years? I still remember the keys though, I just didn't remember what it felt like to play again. After he said that to me, I never wanted to even look at a piano anymore. Not until I heard two pieces that I used to play when I was still a young child. "Ten Little Indians" and "Oh My Darling, Clementine". I never really played the second one till the end, but I remember being able to play it. I'm just glad the ex is out of my life now, he brought nothing but pain just because I had a higher IQ and he was jealous because I learn stuff faster than he did. Anyway, he delighted when he'd see me fail. I didn't think he was the type to do that, until I found out that he was in fact leading a double-life, and I was the front.

Trust me, being used and having so much faith in a guy can almost get you to do something bad to yourself. Those who knew about what truly happened told me that it was admirable how much courage I showed, but to myself, I was just doing what's right, and what is supposed to be done. It's like an automatic response for me. I know what is right or wrong, but I would love to do something wrong just to prove to myself that I am still human and that I should at least be doing something to screw things up for myself.

High expectations, that's what everybody who knows me has for me. They don't expect me to say no, they don't expect me to screw up, they don't expect me to have problems, when the truth is that I just keep things to myself, because when I try to tell them something's wrong, they'll just dismiss it.

When I graduated from my second degree just October 2007, I felt like it wasn't such a big deal, but everybody was so impressed that I managed to go through two degrees without failing even once. That I'm worth so much right now, because I have two degrees. It doesn't matter if I have two degrees, I don't care if I have them or not. A few days after my graduation, my father made me feel so bad for talking back. I don't believe in talking back unless I know that I am right. I was ready to apologize, but he started telling me that I was being so disrespectful, that I can't scare him even if I tried leaving our family, that he has been working so hard and that what was I doing while I was away from them? He said that I wasn't being thankful that I was taking everything else for granted, that I was just doing what I wanted to do and nothing more. I was so angry at how unfair that was to my part. I never wanted a second degree. I wanted to stop a year before I was going to graduate again. But he convinced me to finish it. He always asked me to do what he wanted, because I was bright enough to do it, when he couldn't anymore.

I want some freedom. I love both my parents so very much, but I just think that I should be able to do my own decisions now and shouldn't care whether or not I will disappoint them. But thinking about it right now, I only need to wait three more months before I get my professional license(that's if I choose to pass the exam), and finally, I can start living my own life. But if they did try to live my life for me right after, then I'm afraid I would have to carry on my life without them until they realize that I am also a person that can think.

I feel like I'm somebody's puppet, that I just borrowed this life to live and that I'm not allowed to feel what I feel right now.